So you'll hopefully give me a little slack when I apologize for not posting too much the last few weeks.
I hate this time of year. Not the end of the semester, although the sleep deprivation never does good things for my emotional stability, but specifically the end of April through the first week of May.
As of early May, it will be ten years since my mom died. I wish I could say something profound or poetic about a sense of closure and while it's true that I feel that losing a parent when I was 14 gave me a type of growth and inner strength that other people my age don't typically have, the truest thing to say, is that it hurts. After a decade without her, it still hurt that I couldn't call her after my comps and tell her I passed, or have her see my master's diploma. Psychologists call it secondary loss, which is just another way of saying, "You can move on, but you'll never get over it."
"I can't change the shit that happened when I was fourteen. But I can own it."
I'm still in the process of figuring out how to own that experience, as well as other experiences/feelings in my life. Maybe one day I'll get there.
Peace, love, and tunes,