Sometimes I just don't get it.

My proposal to present at the regional SEM conference got accepted, so I'm off (with Ethnomusicology Cohort) to present at another, although radically different, scholarly conference.

I understand that part of Grad School is learning how to transition from student to teacher/scholar, but every single time one of these proposals gets accepted or I get asked to do a presentation for a colleague either here at FPU or at a neighboring institution I want to ask, "Really??? Are you sure you didn't email the wrong person?"

To a certain extent I feel like that when I play any type of mentoring/teaching role to the undergrads here. Not so much in my discussion section, but when undergrads treat me with any type deference because they perceive me to be an unlimited source of knowledge or particularly musically distinguished, or when they use words like "role model," I tend to get a little freaked. I mean, I am well aware that there are large gaps in my knowledge, that I have a long way to go to be the type of Irish Traditional Musician I want to be, and that sometimes I'm just as lazy and dim-witted as you can imagine.

But they don't see that.

And I guess that's a model for the artistry we all aspire to. You never got to see Andy Irvine screw up 34 times before he got it right the 35th time. You see the product of the process, not the process itself.

I find Coyotebanjo's most recent words particularly true of myself, and most of my other grad student colleagues:

Mostly, they're scared.

They're scared they can't cut it;

They're scared that other students have expertise or skills they themselves lack;

They're scared that getting into [the] Music School [Grad Program] was either a fluke or a bad idea;

They're scared, most of all, deep down in their heart of hearts, no matter how popular they were in [undergrad] or how high they could play or how many first-chair assignments they got or how far they could throw a tight spiral or how many guys bought them how many worthless trinkets (or illegal beers)......

that they're dumb.

When I got here, I was convinced I didn't belong, as a musician or a scholar. But the longer I stay here, and get pushed and prodded into situations I'm not sure I'm ready for, the more I'm mentored and driven past my own limiting, self-imposed boundaries.......the more the above thoughts and self-conceptions crumble.

Which I guess is the point.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?....Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.....We were born to make manifest the glory of God [which I take to be the divine....namaste] that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

And even though I occasionally get a flash of Happy Texas in my head:

WAYNE: If you ever leave me with a kid again, I will make sure that you never have one! You have no idea what it is like to have these screamin' little booger eaters lookin' up at you, expecting you to know stuff.

Even though I constantly want to ask someone, "Since when am I an expert on anything?"

I am learning to "show up for the impossible."

Because the world has been proven to be bigger and full of more possibilities than I ever imagined.

Peace, Love, and Tunes,

Mac.

Labels: grad school

It's also amazing to me how much you forget when you're panicked.....for instance: the ability to transpose completely goes away from me......also, the ability to remember the language associated with the troubadours......also gone. But they're over and done with, so rock on to that.




Still tons to do: I'm competing in a young artist thing in two weeks, and as I have been studying like crazy I'm woefully unprepared. Still working on the thesis (obviously), have a performance project for Dharmonia's class on Aucassin et Nicolette with my roommate and dear friend, a recital to schedule and play, and have a paper for my History of Theory class on Arabic music theory and it's influence on Western music theory in Medieval Spain. All very fun things, but all requiring serious time.

Speaking of time, I'm off to make my checklist a little smaller.

Peace, Love, and Tunes,

Mac.

Labels: grad school

So, yours truly celebrated her birthday yesterday. Unfortunately, the actual celebrating part doesn't come until later in the week.....the downside to having classes/thesis/comps/practicing to do on a daily basis. Anyway, thanks to all who offered birthday wishes!

School has finally settled into some semblance of a rhythm. It helped that I did the Virgo thing and scheduled basically every minute of the week. I am finding that the more I write stuff down (schedules, to-do lists, exercise, practice, study, etc.) that I actually get quite a bit done. Now, not everything always gets done.....but more than if I tried it without the schedule. It also means that I get work done bit by bit instead of one massive gulp.....better for retention.....better for my sanity.

Classes are also going fairly well. The discussion section continues to be one of the highlights of my week. I have had four different students contact me outside of class to discuss research paper topics, and it's actually fun to talk to them about what their interests are (except for the students who want you to hand them a topic that involves absolutely no research.....see paragraph below for my feelings about a lack of intellectual curiosity). Still no issues in discipline in my 38 person discussion section. They actually talk and try out ideas, which is great. I inadvertently planned an early music semester for myself. I'm taking History of Music Theory from Antiquity-1600, a Medieval Music seminar, TAing for the Undergrad Antiquity to 1700 Music History sequence, and of course the Early music ensemble. Basically the only other stuff I do is our the World Music Ensemble (concentrating on Gallician music this semester), and Flute Lessons (although I'm playing Baroque Flute for that too). Working on my official proposal for the thesis....hoping to get it in fairly soon. Getting ready for comps for the flute degree. Trying to plan other non-course-related musical stuff as well. It all adds up to less sleep and occasional bouts of panic. I think I've managed to convince myself that I'm human and that there are limits to how much I can get done in a day. And hopefully, I'm learning to get to the end of the day and be happy with my effort and not disappointed in what I couldn't get to. It's a continual balancing act between scholarship and performance, and I've sort of accepted the fact that it's a balance beam I'm going to walking for the rest of my life.....because I don't really feel complete without both. Anyway......school is good.

Here commenceth the rant about a lack of intellectual curiosity. It is physically impossible for someone to lack interest about EVERYTHING. What that means, is that the student who came to me and wasn't interested in a topic about anything either a) just doesn't want to do the work or b) is hiding in the guise of not wanting to do the work because he/she is deeply afraid of forming original thought/expressing interest in things that are different. Let's exclude option A, because I choose to believe that a student who goes through the trouble of scheduling an appointment outside of class actually wants to write an interesting paper. Seeing students like this, truly makes me want to ask, "What is it that conditioned you to just read the textbook and regurgitate?" Or rather who? Everyone is born with intellectual curiosity.....you see it in small children every day. Meaning some other teacher, or babysitter, or (god-forbid) parent, or friend conditioned this person to not ask questions about the world that surrounds them. The pavlovian reaction is to not be interested in anything. It's safer......the dumbass in the back row doesn't harass you for being a nerd, the teacher doesn't harass you for being a smartass, the babysitter can FINALLY call her boyfriend and leave you to watch the R rated movie your parents won't let you see, and life is easier all the way around. It's one of the reasons I love it when my students participate in discussions.......they learn that their thoughts and questions MATTER. And they learn that it's ok to have a little intellectual curiosity.

Anyway....I'm way past my allotted time for "lunch." Time to practice!!!


Peace, love, and tunes,

Mac.

Labels: grad school, TA

Why did we get rid of the barter system?

Labels: finances, grad school

Sorry for such a long absence! Late night blogging has never been good for me....or to me for that matter, but I'm worked up about the trial run of my NFA presentation for tomorrow. It's not like I haven't given this presentation before.....three other times to be exact, but tomorrow I do it for 5 of my teachers.

Have you ever noticed that the people you're supposed to make mistakes in front of (ie teachers, parents, friends) are exactly the ones you don't want to see you make mistakes? Ego's sometimes a bitch, but I guess admitting it's only ego is the first step in overcoming it.

I think I'm more concerned about cramming everything I want to say in 50 minutes.....and did I pick the right stuff to concentrate on.......the right tunes....and on and on.

I've been trying my hand at some new things for the past couple of months. Around the time of my last Master's classical flute recital I was handed a baroque flute. My prof really wants me to concentrate on it.....and I was pretty set against the baroque flute for lots of different reasons, mainly because I didn't think I had enough time to learn a new instrument. A few months later, and I'm kind of addicted to the squirrely little bastard. My uilleann pipes also came in. I now have a whole new appreciation of anyone who plays the pipes. But dammit, whenever the right sound comes out of the instrument, it's a crazy wonderful feeling. I've also been attempting some songwriting. I've never tried it before and it's something new and different. It all keeps me honest. ;)

Anyway, I'm off to see if I can sleep at least a little before I have to give this thing tomorrow. Hope to see you at the convention!

Peace, love, and tunes,

Mac.

Labels: grad school, life, music