Wow....so panic attacks, not so much fun.

Found out that if I want any financial aid, my PhD applications have to be in by Dec. 1. Now, I am queen of forms......but what I'm more than a little terrified about is the writing sample part of every application. It's one of those ultra nightmarish situations for me, right up there with taking a Geometry test that is suddenly in some alien language. And the scary part of the whole process isn't so much not getting in (ok, there's a little fear there....but not a lot), the truly scary part is having every school say, "Yes, please come, but we have no money for you."

As my roommate pointed out to me, you're also applying to FPU, so theoretically you should get in there. And what's the worst that could happen, you stick around at FPU, do some fieldwork get some more skills or get a full time job for awhile. Life's not over. However, as I've pointed out several times to several different people, the problem with fear is the it isn't rational. It's full of thoughts about completely tanking everything, and then living in a cardboard box for the rest of your life.

And there's alternatively the thoughts that I got so incredibly lucky with my choice at FPU. I'm afraid I used up my grad school selection karma on my Master's degrees. I've heard horror stories, and grad school is tough enough without assholes in charge of your committee trying to screw you over.

So all of that's floating around in my head, while I'm trying to finish everything up for the semester (including all of these damn applications), and unfortunately nothing's gonna fix it except to put everything in and see what happens.

Peace, Love, and Tunes,

Mac.